dubious gifts

[entropy_in_drag]

I keep starting this entry, deleting, and starting again. My dad died early Sunday, I guess I can skip the societal pleasantries and barf that out. My feelings in general are complicated af and always will be. Been a running theme with the loved ones I've lost so far. He took me out fishing and up mountains, was first to encourage my artistic leanings, and he taught me to sing and swim. He also was either too affectionate or so cold it burned, and occasionally did terrible things to me, as Boomer dads seem wont to do. The closest I ever felt to him was when his disease took him through his college years and I got to see the goofy foundation he'd built the stiff family man on. Ash's transition wouldn't have gone so smoothly if his homophobic ass wasn't already mentally regressing through grade school level when it happened. So it goes.

So here I am, a little more than 36 hours after hearing the news, working out and planning an extremely roll-y night. I want to marvel at this weird, huge, long body I chose to inhabit this turn around and I want molly hugs before I have to start thinking about what to do next. I'm a hedonistic, agendered, pantheistic, bisexual, polyamorous catdork and I'm finally living it 40 years into this life. This is a gift I will try to remember to cherish through the rest of my years. It took too long to break out of the box I was born in to do otherwise.